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May 9th, 2005

07:50 pm
Due to demand. I must tell everyone i am okay. Opiee and Dale seem to think that the last one sounds like i am going to kill myself...which is sooo untrue..lol...i just wanted to let everyone know how i feel about them...and that even though im in this rut/hole about sri and the past situations in life..and that i am getting help and trying to move on..that im glad theyve been there for me and helped me out is all...i am not going to kill myself :)

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06:02 pm - My Last Entry

Well. This is going to be my last entry. I just want to let all you guys know how much i love yall and appreciate your support. I tend to write too many personal things that for one should be kept to myself sometimes and second these things should be mentioned in person...to the people i care about and whom i want to talk to about these things. Ive learned in the past two weeks and the hard way (as i always do..i can never get anything from what people tell me) that i can only trust few people..and that actions speak louder than words. I am going to write a side note to a few people just to let them know what they mean to me b/c sometimes i don't let them know.

Dad and Deb : I haven't really thanked you guys for listening to me and preaching to me about certain things. I do appreciate what you guys tell me. I know you guys are just looking out for me.

BJ : all the lies i ever told you..i am sorry..and i hope that you can forgive me..and it seems i didn't learn from that relationship..i just went on to sri and continued what i did to you..except for different reasons..

Terry and Dale : thanks for telling me exactly whats on your mind. I appreciate it. most of the time. ;)

Sarah : for all those late night chats..of men..;)..and letting me just say things to you..and let it all out in the open..and letting me know its okay to cry..

Vlad : FOr telling me straight up waht you think..and about how i am..making me think about things..i like that a lot

Rossie : Making me laugh. you always know how to make me laugh. and just feel tha ti am still alive.

Ellen : Ha...all those talks of men..and finding my clarinet..who couldn't be better..LOL

JO : I haven't gotten to see or talk to you much...but those comments did mean a lot

Nikki : Letting me know that your here. it feels nice.

Bubloo : Last but not least. Thanks so much for listening to me and talking to me..i know ur probably tired of hearing about sri..but thanks for ur input..and reassuring me everything will be okay :) 

Thanks you guys :) Have fun! Im out :) ~Lauren E. Schultz 

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May 8th, 2005

04:17 pm - Cold
Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in
Things I cannnot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold to you

And I'm sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high
I never meant to be so cold

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope
I never meant to be so cold

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May 7th, 2005

03:14 am
The more i read that email that Amit sent random people..sri..(not so random)..but then to Dale and Ross?? I mean c'mon. THe more i read it .. the more pissed I get. Half that shit i didn't say. More and More i get pissed. More and More i just want to call sri up. let him know. but i can't. all this bullshit. I could have done one thing..one thing..not talk to amit anymore..i thought amit would have been a good friend..i didn't want to just stop talking to him..and it really cost me mine and sri's relationship..for what? FOR WHAT?..Sri's been the only thing that matters lately..here i am crying for him..knowing he'll read it and believe it..b/c he can't trust me..he has absolutely no reason to..but half of it doesn't make sense..just random things..and random things i would never say..I watched The Wimbledon..and The Little Black Book..and all i could do was wish for sri..wish him all the best..hoping he's happy..i know u guys are tired of hearing it..but its all i can think about..how much i love him..and how much i ruined it..and that i ahd the chance..and threw it away..b/c i didn't want to be rude..but in the end i had to..and it cost me..more than i wanted it to..

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May 6th, 2005

10:33 pm
Well. Whatever. I guess Lauren and Sri just aren't going to be. Don't get me wrong. I am going to keep trying my aims on him. I love him. I want to change my ways for him. Now, however, it might not be possible. The guy i met in b'ham a long time ago, he sent an email to him showing some of our conversations that i had with him. lol. whatever. half that stuff i didn't say. He's just mad b/c i don't want to talk to him anymore. however. i don't expect sri to believe me. Sri has a right to. Its just sad. No matter how much i want him. He is no longer going to want me. I messed up those 2.5 years. Those wonderful years. All b/c of me. It ll all come back to me in my karma. I am holding on to that coin and that wish. The wish i made for sri. I hope it comes true. I pray that it comes true.

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May 5th, 2005

05:53 pm
I think im going to cry.

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May 2nd, 2005

10:15 pm

Wow. I had so much fun in New Orleans this weekend. It was crazy. So the main reason we went was so Dale could get his reading from a psychic or something. However, first things first. Muffaletta sandwiches. From the first place in new orleans that ever made em'. Sri had mentioned that place was good. I thought ab buying one and sending it to him. But, its food. Itll be nasty by the time it reached him. So..we went to Bourbon Street that night. having fun. We found a Vodoo shop. There was a woman in the back who did palm and card readings. So. Dale paid. Woman was right on the money ab him. So i decided to do it. I learned a lot of things. ;). She told me that I am going to have a friend who decieves me. That i am going to move away from home this year. That I need to get away from my mother and learn my own world and learn more about myself. Im going to live til im 90. I am going to be married only once. I have had 42 past lives. Dale and I knew each other in a past life. That i spend money really fast. That i am a creative person, I hold on to things too much, i worry to much for my age. She said i was knowledgeable but play dumb sometimes. She said my mind wonders around a lot.  She asked me for someone's bday. I told her Feb 26. She told me that everything i like in that person, is what i like about myself. Everything i dislike in them..i dislike in myself. Which i found to be extremely true. Well. except for one thing. but the majority is true.  plus ive got my lucky coin now that she told us to make a wish on and keep. Its my lucky charm now. Im holding on to it.

So. There are a few things ive decided this weekend.   

          1) I love sri. but he needs his space. I should have respected that. I have had so many urges. I want to call him. I want to let him know. But damn lauren. He knows already. So respect him and his wishes. 

           2) I am not a christian. I never will be. Its not that i am  hindu or anything else. Ill write later this week about why and what i believe. I just want to say I don't want to discuss going to church anymore. Someone mentioned that back when i was dating ryan i seemed to be in a happy place with church. I really didn't. It was more of me pleasing Ryan and other people in my life. I need to move away from pleasing other people for once and please myself. I still have my morals .. so don't get me wrong. I just don't want to go to church or a singles group. Period. Out of the question. Its not a position that i want to be in.

          3) I need to learn more about myself before i can continue on with a relationship (mine and sri's). I am in a rough spot with him. I think this break could be for a reason. Ive spent my entire life pleasing everyone else. Telling them things they want to hear. I can't do that anymore. I haven't been happy in doing that. Only way i can be happy is by pleasing myself. So lets start.

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April 29th, 2005

08:33 pm

So. I am sitting here waiting on Dale and Terry to get here. SO we can go to hattiesburg tonight and to New Orleans tomorrow. I am excited about going. Having fun. Relaxing this weekend so i can't think like ive done all freakin week. I was hoping sri would call and change his mind about things. Im not lucky enough for that.

I went to Barnes and Noble and got the most WONDERFUL book that i recommend you guys read. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Its so funny. Its just wonderful. I was hoping to buy one of the hindu books they had. Someone already got it. Bummer for that.

Sri is the one. I need to distract myself so I don't go crazy.

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April 27th, 2005

11:57 pm - Here's to new friends.

I meant to do this earlier. Here are two pics of my new friends Dale and Terry.

This is Dale and I watching a fight on TV. I look a BIT rough.

This is Terry.



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11:32 pm

What a day. I messed up a bit. I did what i wasn't/shouldn't do. I tried calling sri. I tried going over to his house. No answer. I should have known. I said id leave him a lone. I didn't. Its just really hard for me. No excuses anymore. Let it be as it is for now. Sri will come back. We will live happily ever after. I was talking with an online friend today. We've chatted a few times. He noticed that something was wrong. We started talking about it. Now he's all about converting me into Jesus Christ. Eh...whatever.

So, Jimmy is going to fix my teeth. Im getting a bleaching tray next week. So theyll be WHITE WHITE WHITE..and then he's going to put a crown or something on my teeth..#10 and #7...:) so it won't look so pushed back. He said im goign to look like a different woman. Im excited!

New Orleans should be fun this weekend..gets my mind off of a couple of things..gonna have a little fun..its jazz fest this weekend though..its going to be CRAZY busy..we got a hotel room just a hip hop away from Bourbon street..i hope i can drink without feeling sick..

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